Working-In
I coach fierce folks who are dedicated to their families, careers and/or exercise routines, but they still feel incomplete emotionally in some way. These folks engage in many different forms of self-care. They're really good about making sure their families are taken care of or their working 110% of the time in their careers and/or their workouts are incredible and/or their diets are fabulous. But they are still seeking help because they feel guilty, overwhelmed, lonely, stuck or stressed out because they get triggered by negative situations. Does this sound familiar?Working-In helps bridge the gap between the strengths you have already possess the tools to transform your negatively triggered thoughts and feelings. These events often ruin what was a perfectly good day. I will provide you with a three-step Working-In practice, which I created after being largely inspired by Eckhart Tolle and The Work of Byron Katie, I have my clients perform. Let's get to it!A SITUATION leads to THOUGHTS which lead toFEELINGS which lead toACTIONS that bringREACTIONSFor example, A SITUATION is I have tons of laundry to doTHOUGHT there is something wrong with me that I don’t stay on top of the laundryFEELING frustrated, angryACTION do laundry while beating myself up about itREACTION clean laundry and a deflated sense of selfOr,A SITUATION is I feel anxious around people at a partyTHOUGHT they all think I am just a fit idiotFEELING I’m a loserACTION drink too much wineREACTION I beat myself for having too much wineI help my clients learn and implement tools to improve their reactions. Think of this just like an athlete would train in a gym. Or a professional career training course. Or Continuing Education Credits. The idea is to build up your "IN"ner strength as much as you build OUTer, and I'm going to help you do that today. Step #1: Write down A SITUATION that triggers you and how it makes you THINK and FEEL. Just take time to write down anything and everything about this situation that's bugging you. Be sure to write without any sort of judgment. Judging the thoughts will just lead to beating yourself up, and we know that negative emotion does not produce positive outcomes. When you put things on paper, it often creates more distance, so keep writing. #2: Separate the facts from the feelings and thoughts you have about it. Like you are a reporter. Factual evidence versus feelings, which are open to interpretation. What ACTIONS are you taking? We look at how that added FEELING about A SITUATION is what actually causes the pain, not the SITUATION itself, so look at the evidence. Where's the truth? Is what you're thinking an absolute fact or is it an opinion, perhaps a biased one? #3: Ask yourself questions from different points of view. For example:
How might this look to a third party?
What if what I am imagining about this situation is really a more deep-seated worry I am having?
How would you explain this to a child in simple language?
What do I think the other person is thinking of the situation. What is their point of view? How would they explain it?
Is it possible the reverse of what I’m thinking is truer?
As you are writing other ideas will come to mind. So please try it yourself.Let's put it into a real-life example. Have you ever had a great day at work? I just gave a fabulous presentation after a long stressful process and I nailed it! My boss and colleagues are super impressed and let me know you did an incredible job. I’m commuting home, listening to my favorite music, I’m smiling at strangers and letting them have my seat on the subway. But the moment I walk into my apartment, my teenage daughter is staring at her phone and hasn’t eaten dinner, done her chores or her homework. Then my husband gives me, "I had to clean up the dishes in the sink and take the dogs out", and boom, just like that, all those feel-good feelings are deflated? I think, "Great, what the heck did I just walk into? This sucks! Why couldn't my husband hold on the fort for a couple of hours? Why is there a huge battle around homework?" I freak out, I go off on everyone and scare my dogs and no one wins, and then I have time to reflect on the evening and more guilt, stress and shame rush in. Sounds fun, huh? This was me week after week, and where many of my clients find themselves, and where Working-In can transform these situations.Let's plug in the three steps of Working-In into this SITUATION. One morning after a similar event walking into a mini battle zone at home, I completed the thought download and circled the opinions and unhelpful questions I was asking myself over and over again when this would happen. Step #1: The SITUATION as described above with my THOUGHTS and FEELINGS.Step #2: Separate the facts from my feelings and thoughts. "Why wasn’t the homework done?”To be honest, there was still plenty of time in the evening, so that’s not a fact. "Why doesn’t she behave better?" She often behaves really well! I can remember being super impressed by how mature she acted in situations that would trigger me, so that's not a fact. It's not an absolute. "Why can't I stay calm?" “Why did I freak out?”Again, it's an opinion. I am able to imagine this situation without freaking out. So I imagine I'm calm. "I just had a great day at work". Yeah. So what? I was trying to separate fact from opinion, and I noticed I was pushing my thoughts and feelings on how things should be onto this situation, but the fact is the evening weekdays are often chaotic.Step #3: Ask questions from a different point of view.How might this look to a third party?They would definitely think something else was going on with me and that I was overreacting.What if what I am imagining about this situation is really a more deep-seated worry I am having? Maybe I want to be home more and I am lashing out at everyone else and blaming them for my schedule and guilt.Is it possible the reverse of what I’m thinking is truer?I don’t do MY "home"workI don’t behave well.OrMy daughter and/or husband didn’t have a great day at school/work.I imagine how I would feel if I knew for a fact some of these other points of view were true.I know that some of you might face some more serious issues, and the goal is to go from painful to tolerable, and that's okay too. Working-In can help you as well.Be gentle and kind to yourself. It's best to practice as much of this ahead of time as you can so your responses at the moment are more automatic. I like to use a negative situation as my trigger or my reminder to use Working-In. When I was feeling that little bit of dread or anxiety. That was my reminder. Try the tool. Just like a personal trainer, as your coach, I have several different mental exercises like this, designed to be plugged in when something triggers you. It really is transformative, but you have to practice it just like with anything. If nothing else, I hope you will consider making Working-In a part of your life just like you do with your job or exercise. In order for me to do it consistently, I had to approach it as I do with exercise, making it a non-negotiable practice in my life. 10 to 20 minutes of mental training can make a huge difference. You can also use Working-In for something you want to accomplish in the future and identify what is holding you back and how to change that.The clients that I've already worked with have told me because of this work, they were able to develop a healthy relationship with food. They report feeling more powerful and capable than ever. They view themselves as a survivor or better yet, as a thriver versus as a victim. They are more readily able to accept responsibility for how they feel. They are able to take control of their life versus life-controlling them. Finally, a dear client of mine told me that she was able to take action to change her aggravating situation while living at peace with her present moment, and it was such a beautiful thing. Have a great week! Please share this post with anyone you think would benefit from it.