Own It

For a long time, I was in Victim Mode. Of course, I didn’t realize it. I thought of myself as a very strong and fierce woman. How could I be in Victim Mode? But I totally was. Victim Mode shows up as blame. I blamed so many people for how I was thinking and feeling. My father, my mother, my husband, my sister, my daughter, my friends, my boss, MY DOGS! When you identify as a victim, you give up your power. It totally affects your life. We don’t see it as blame from our point of view. We see it as an explanation for why we feel so bad. We make it someone else's fault.  They made me feel this way. So, if my father was judgmental, if my mother was critical, if my husband was unsatisfied, if my sister was unavailable, if my daughter was defiant, if my friends can't hang out with me, if my boss was being a jerk, if my dogs were super needy. I was completely giving up my responsibility for how I felt.Are you doing this? Is there someone who is causing you to feel negative feelings? If when you think about that, you feel defensive, if you think she doesn’t get that my situation is different, you may be in Victim Mode.Victim Mode is a belief that we make a habit. But it doesn’t mean we can’t defeat it. It doesn’t mean we aren’t smart, strong, fierce and fabulous people. It just means this way of thinking is buffering in our heads.Often it goes back to feelings we had as children that get stuck in our heads. I had a problem with my mother criticizing me when I was a child. Every victim needs a villain. My mother was my villain. I was giving her all the power for how I felt about her. It ruined my relationship with her for many years. I literally could not speak with her for over 3 years. I created feelings that left me powerless and helpless. Because I was buffering the way I was thinking and feeling about her behavior and the things she said. The things she did and said paralyzed me. I let them weaken me and all the time I blamed her for my behavior. But the things she was saying and doing were about her. They actually have nothing to do with me at all. It is a vicious cycle. Her behavior is likely triggeredby things in her past that she hasn't dealt with yet. She has to do her work to deal with those things. All of my feelings are created by my thoughts. I did not like my thoughts or myself. But I kept hiding and making excuses.Now, I know a lot of you will come back with, but I don’t want to make myself a doormat.If somebody can just say whatever they want and I don’t get mad or say anything back. But it is actually quite the opposite. If I give up my power by allowing someone else’s words to affect the way I think about myself, then I am being a doormat. See my Blog Post: Working In.I think of Victim Mode as a vice. So the opposite of that is the virtue of Vulnerability.Some people think of vulnerability as being weak. But Vulnerability is about being brave and requires courage. It is about being willing to face all of the feelings that come up for you in a situation and OWN them. You have to be willing to face why you are being triggered when someone you love deeply says or does something you identify as negative.When my mother criticizes me when for instance, I don’t take her side in an argument and it triggers me to feel angry and frustrated with her, what is really going on? If I look at this another way, maybe she is telling me she is afraid that I don’t love and respect her. I am thinking of her how can you be so weak? But am I really worried that I am also weak in some way? If I let myself see that and face what may really be the reason that I am triggered by my mother. That realization brings up doubts I have about myself.  Then I’m not hiding from it. Instead, I’m saying bring it on! I am willing to put myself in a really intense, wonderful, risk-taking, life-changing situation because I am willing to face my emotions and not hide from them and shut them down by blaming her. It is the deepest form of intimacy with another person. Because you are letting the other person uncover and bare naked the parts of you that you might not want to look at. I let my mother bring out things in me that were blocking me from knowing myself fully. I was letting myself miss out on understanding who I really am. My relationship with my mother is now more fabulous than I ever thought possible. OWN IT.Victim Mode doesn’t have to be with someone else. It could be with you yourself. You can be your own villain. If I am willing instead of giving in to an addiction to feeling the emotions that are coming up for me I am being brave by knowing that I am enough just the way I am. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to hide in the addiction or blame someone else. The reason why something is terrifying is that you don’t let yourself feel the fear. The quickest way past fear is through it. It opens you up to the most fabulous experience. It opens to up to the real you.What I do on a regular basis is ask myself whenever I feel triggered: Why am I reacting this way? Why do I want a glass of wine? Why do I want to overeat? Why am I not pursuing my goals? What conversations am I avoiding with people I love? If you are willing to hear the feedback, that is your ultimate strength. Who am I blaming for how I feel? When I feel angry, who am I blaming? When I feel weak, who am I blaming? Am I blaming myself? Am I blaming other people? Am I willing to be vulnerable and open to feel whatever comes up and own it?There’s something wrong with me. I can’t lose weight. Just notice the pattern. Write it down. See my Blog Post on Unitasking.I would love to hear and discuss your thoughts with you. It is a serious issue for most of us, but it is a game changer if we can get a hold of it and OWN IT.