How to Change Your Mind

Before you read any further, you need to know this post will not be based on Michael Pollen's book about taking psychedelics. But this is the title of a lecture I am giving this week at the Center for Living and Learning.I am going to highlight a variety of ways I have found to alter my own thinking and STAY FIERCE.When I was in my mid 20s I had a tough time psychologically for many reasons. Becoming an adult proved to be way more difficult than I had assume. It was during these years that I attempted suicide twice.After breaking up long term relationship with someone I was living with by cheating on him with his best friend, I found myself very isolated, scared and alone. I seriously considered suicide again. But after some deep thinking decided moving in with my father and his family would be a great way to get to know him, his wife and my half sister and brother. I would also protect myself from potentially harming myself.I had spent the years leading up to this moment being trained to hate my father's wife by my mother and grandmother. Although it was my mother's idea to divorce my father, she still loved him very much and clearly regreted the decision, despite repeatedly saying "she got my garbage" anytime my sister or I would suggest this to her. My mother spoke very hatefully about my father's wife and berated my sister and me anytime we said anything nice or kind about her. She referred to her as if it were her name as "that bitch from East Norwich".I considered the challenges this would create in my life. For the obvious reasons I mentioned about my mother, as well as the fact that my sister, with whom up until this point I was very close, had not been speaking to my father since he got remarried. I thought my life was worth more than their opinions of me. While talking about these challenges and the plan to move in with my father and his wife, I thought and instantly said "whatever you believe is true". What I meant was if I believe my father's wife is nice, kind and loves me, she does. If I believe my mother, sister and grandmother will love me even if they are upset with me, they do. This thought has stayed with me for the 28 years since I said it. And it guides much of my life and choices.I have found several great theories and thinkers to back up the idea. The first of which is meditation. I came to meditation shortly after becoming a parent. I found the shallow and superficial exercises I was doing to keep fit left me feeling empty. I was living in Huntington at the time and stumbled upon the yoga videotapes of Bryan Kest. He was an unconventional style yogi in that he was FIERCE in his delivery. He cursed and really told it like it is. This really spoke to me because the flowing way most yoga instructors spoke did not resonate with me at all. To me it came across very contrived. But Kest seemed very authentic and real. He speaks about how people often want to people please and seek the approval of others. He reminds us that everyone has baggage and issues. We should not permit the judgments of others to change who we are.Kest's  yoga instructions incorporate the concepts of meditation that have stayed with me. For me, meditation is about getting out of yourself, seeing the big picture and learning to see and experience negative externalities and behaviors from others the same way you would see the weather. Don't take it personally, fight it or argue with or about it. Just deal with it and carry on.I began my own journey to become a yoga instructor after listening to everything I could get my hands on that Kest had released. He helped me see the benefits of yoga are far beyond physical fitness and flexibility.I signed up to take a yoga teacher certification course in the summer of 2009. I explored the various styles of yoga as well as meditation. I learned to meditate so deeply that I had visions which not only included seeing lights and shapes, but there was a profound experience I had after a long meditation. The feeling came and went quickly. But for a flash I felt I saw the meaning of everything. I know how that sounds. Kind of like an acid trip and very hippie-dippie. But I remember it as being very real and have not yet been able to tap into it again.These meditation experiences led me to find Jon Kabat-Zinn. His approach to meditation is to realize that the identity of yourself is not fixed. Do you ever have the feeling that you a bored with your own typical negative reactions to things? Or that your reactions no longer reflect your true feelings? Kabat-Zinn's meditations encourage you to realize these can easily transform.I remember when I would literally yell at people in cars if they stopped in pedestrian cross walks. When I think of it now, it seems nuts. But through meditation I was able to stand back and look at this reaction and alter it. It fascinated me that I actually has the power to change my relationship to the story of who I though I was. An aggressive pedestrian out to tell drivers a thing or to about what's what. I am currently using the Sam Harris Waking Up app daily for my meditation practice. Harris is a philosopher and neuroscientist. His approach is similar to Kest's and Kabat-Zinn's in that it is very approachable. I recently sent a free month of this app to my clients and blog subscribers. If you missed yours, or cannot find it in your inbox, please email me and I will send it to you.I identity and appreciate the way the ancient philosophy of Stoicism approaches thoughts and feelings. Again, it resonates very much with the ideas I have gone through from Kest, Kabat-Zinn and Harris. But its roots in antiquity and how it has affected other forms of art and philosophy are powerful.Stoicism is a tool set that helps us direct our thoughts and actions in an unpredictable world. We don’t control and cannot rely on external events, but we can (to a certain extent) control our mind and choose our behavior.In the end, it’s not what happens to us but our reactions to it that matter.The final influence I will cover is Byron Katie. Byron Katie has a practice she uses called The Work, in which she invites her students to consider how things that trigger us are the best teacher's of what we do not like about ourselves.I used her technique on myself to resolve long standing issues I had with my mother. I was at an impasse in my relationship with my mother. She and I had no spoken in 3 years and I saw no end in sight. After applying Katie's technique I came to realize how much of my struggle was actually with me myself. I am not going to sugar coat the journey, it was hard and hell and incredibly arjuous. I spent my weeks and months screaming out loud. But after I dropped my story and saw the situation in and of itself, all that was left was freedom from the anger and frustration.I have used her technique with my clients and students and have witnessed some remarkable transformations.There are many other thinkers and influencers I have come across that I could included. I will follow-up this topic in a few weeks as meditation and sleep and becoming the main ideas I am drawn to.Many people have asked me why I use a fox as my logo when there are lots of other animals that are more FIERCE. Adele Brand's book The Hidden World of the Foxconfirms that foxes "have had to judge the risk from very dangerous predators for thousands of millennia, and their evolved strategy" and adaptability have helped them survive. That is FIERCE enough for me and reminds me of how my client, students and I are navigating the changes we encounter and our ability to STAY FIERCE.These concepts have influenced me to become a coach to help my clients and students see alternatives to the way they view things in their lives they want to change. It is the most satisfying experience to coach people to discover the tools they can apply to any part of their lives necessary.Please share this with anyone you think may benefit.As always, please post any questions or comments in this post.If you wish to explore some ways to change your mind, please contact me directly by email, phone or text 646-822-3000.