I am alone; therefore, I belong
LONELINESS
I too have known loneliness.
I too have known what it is to feel
misunderstood,
rejected, and suddenly
not at all beautiful.
Oh, mother earth,
your comfort is great, your arms never withhold.
It has saved my life to know this.
Your rivers flowing, your roses opening in the morning.
Oh, motions of tenderness!
by Mary Oliver
When I was 7 years old, my parents divorced. This was in 1973 when divorce was not only uncommon it was very taboo. None of my friends or family members had divorce in their lives, aside from ours. None of my friends' mothers had boyfriends or fathers had girlfriends. I was lucky enough to have a sister, who was 2 years younger than me. And I am grateful to this day that although my parents' marriage was starting to fall apart as soon as my father came back from the war in Vietnam in 1966 when I was 2 months old, they kept it together at least long enough to conceive her. Without my sister, I cannot imagine what would have become of me.
When I was with friends and in school and even when I was with my sister at family gatherings, I felt weird, different, not understood, not relatable, unworthy of love.
Loneliness is a problem of not being known and not being loved.
One of my cherished clients, I'll call her Daisy, struggles with the feeling of loneliness on a constant basis, and has for decades. She is one of the most thoughtful, caring, lovely, cultured, and empathetic people I have had the pleasure to know. A large part of why she feels so lonely seems to stem from her not being in a relationship. Her negative self-talk and challenge with feeling part of something often cripple her ability to reach out. During the past several months, she has learned to feel herself worth by becoming a leader for her friends by keeping them connected through ZOOM. Daisy is blossoming during this trying time and seeing how very special she is to others and therefore to herself.
A key part of emotional health is social connection.
Loneliness also triggers a stress response that there is an imbalance in our social homeostasis. Advice to avoid COVID-19 through social distancing can, for many people, increase the risk of physical and emotional harm from inadequate social contact.
I want to tell you a story about two people. One of these people was a woman who worked when most women stayed home with children. She had a leadership role at her company and was a force in her union. She retired and lost her connection. She lost her sense of purpose. She withdrew and pushed everyone in her life away. By the end of her life, she has no practically no family that would still speak with her and no friends. The other of these people was a man who worked several jobs his entire life. He learned new things and was curious and optimistic. He went out of his way to visit family and friends regularly. By the end of his life, he was busy with social engagements. When he died, there were lots of people sending well wishes and attending his funeral. These people were my grandparents. Anytime I find myself feeling blame, self-pity, or irrational frustration, I think of how I would rather end my life the way my Grandfather did as opposed to my Grandmother.
The thesaurus lists these words opposite to the word lonely: acceptance, optimistic, hopeful
We live in the most technologically connected age in the history of the planet, yet rates of loneliness have doubled since the 1980s.
According to Lisbeth Nielsen, the director of the division of behavioral and social research at the National Institute of Aging, loneliness is the "sense of suffering from being disconnected from other people, which is different than social isolation which is simply not being around other people or not have close connections."
"The problem is when loneliness persists for a long period of time. And when it is chronic,
then we enter into a chronic stress state.
And that is what has dramatically consequential impacts on our health."
According to a new report from the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, social isolation has been linked to a 50% increased risk of dementia, a 20% increased risk of heart disease, and a 32% increased risk of stroke. Loneliness affects far more people than people who have diabetes, obesity, excessive alcohol consumption, lack of exercise and who smoke 15 cigarettes a day.
MACRO FORCES:
Families live further apart
Technology should be a bridge, not a substitution
Values favor materialism vs. personal. We build our lives around external pressures like work and not internal needs like family and friends.
Individualism and self-reliance are considered more valuable than social connections.
SOLUTIONS:
Strengthen connection to family and friends
Strengthen outer circle
Strengthen connection with ourselves. How much we value ourselves equals how much we value others. "You can't really love someone else unless you really love yourself first." - Fred Rogers. 'It turns out that when we reach out and help someone else, that not only enables us to connect with another human being, but it reminds us of our value and of our purpose in life." - Vivek Murthy.
Take 5 minutes to share something personal, such as photos, to help others know who you are.
Loneliness, unlike the social isolation we are living with now, is a subjective feeling.
Fundamentally we are social creatures and part of what brings meaning to our life is to maintain and foster those social connections and we all need to be creative in finding ways to do that under these difficult times.
Do this for a moment. Take your right hand and hold it up. Now close your eyes and put your hand over your heart. For the next few seconds think of the people who have loved you over your life. Accepted you. Cheered you on in dark moments. Believed in you and remember what you stand for when you forgot. Look to you without judgment. Love you on good days and bad days. Feel the joy and support and energy and love flowing through you as you remember those people. That is the power of love. This is how love has the power to heal. Commit to living lives that are grounded in love. If we build connections that are powered by love. We can create the society we all dream of and that we deserve.
LONELINESS
Loneliness is not a concept, it is the body constellating,
attempting to become proximate and even join
with other bodies: through conversation,
or the mediation of the intellect and the imagination.
Loneliness is the place from which we pay real attention
to the voices other than our own;
being alone allows us to find the healing power in the other.
The shortest line in the briefest email can
heal, embolden, welcome home, and enliven
the most isolated identity.
Human beings are made made to belong.
Loneliness is the unwanted single malt taste of the very essentiality
that makes conscious belonging possible.
The doorway is closer than we think.
I am alone; therefore I belong.
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If you would like to schedule a free consultation, please reach out lisa@stayfierce.com. Anyone who is affected financially by the pandemic, will receive a discounted FIERCE Program.
