Living with Uncertainty
The word “stress”, as it is currently used, was coined by the Hungarian endocrinologist Hans Selye in 1936, who defined it as “the non-specific response of the body to any demand for change”. In other words, the essence of how we understand stress is uncertainty.
This will be the first in a series of articles I intend to write about how we can reframe our view of the world in this unusual time. I truly view this as an opportunity to reconsider many aspects of the habits we have been in and how to change.
Uncertainty is entropy or ‘expected surprise’ or ‘a gradual decline into disorder’. We feel uncertain, when we anticipate that outcomes will turn out to be something other than expected – and that we are unable to avoid surprise. This is what the world feels like today. With the unknown fallout of the COVID-19 pandemic, millions of people find themselves in the situation of needing to make decisions in the face of mounting uncertainty the likes of which they have ever lived through before. It brings us face to face with the uneasiness of being human. The uneasiness that we cannot feel a ground under our feet.
I am a recovering perfectionist. I spent at least 2 decades of my life with borderline OCD. I needed things to happen in a specific order and I needed things to be in their place. This likely grow out of a childhood of extreme chaos. My reaction was to control the things I felt I could. Anyone who is familiar with perfection knows this is a vain pursuit.
Many of my clients who initially started working with me to improve their physical health, resolve their anger issues, find ways to calm their minds, have now completely shifted their conversations to coping with the uncertainty of the current state of the world. There is a rise in the emotions – fear, loneliness, anxiety, boredom, confusion, etc.
Typically, we are able to distract ourselves from negative emotions and replace them with activities we enjoy that bring us happiness and fulfillment in the present moment. Even though things are starting to open up around the country and world, many of the activities are limited and with new restrictions that make them a far cry from the stress relief they provided pre-COVID-19. This is why many of us are falling into new or old bad habits like emotional eating, over-drinking, and other addictive behaviors that we either thought we had overcome or prided ourselves on never taking part in.
It is our natural reaction to avoid negative emotions and to turn to addictions as a means to distract us away from feeling bad. At the time, it may feel good to escape from stress or negative emotions. But in the long-run, these behaviors will only make the negative emotions worse. Not only are we stressed, fearful, lonely, confused about the virus, but on top of that we are upset that we have a hangover, or gained weight, or let ourselves down by falling into a distractive vice.
The solution is, and has always been, to acknowledge and allow those negative emotions. This is how I stopped drinking alcohol and how my clients have stopped over-eating, or kicked addictions.
We have to be willing to give space for these negative emotions. During this time of uncertainty with what will happen with COVID-19, the economy and the social unrest, that is especially difficult to do. Suggestions of physical distancing to reduce the spread of the virus have resulted in canceled or rescheduled weddings, graduations, concerts, reunions, sports, summer camps, and travel, just to name a few. Our pleasures and ability to distract from pain have been put on hold, and many of us are going to continue to feel stress, fear, lonely, etc. as a result.
How to Stay FIERCE during this uncertain time?
This is an opportunity to get to know ourselves again. To accept and identify what we are feeling and to grant ourselves to experience it – without running away, buffering in distractions and numbing in avoidance. Our emotions are triggered by nothing but our thoughts. While they can feel incredibly uncomfortable, it is key to understand that they cannot harm you. What can harm you is negative habits that can cause ill health, disease, depression, lowered immunity, sleeplessness, etc.
Right now, the entire world is being triggered by their thoughts about COVID-19 and the lack of control we feel over our lives as a result. The fact is that anything can happen at any time. There is no way to ever prepare for every eventuality with precision or perfect timing. That is not the way nature works. When we resist change, we experience stress, fear and suffering. When we relax into the change, we experience freedom.
Some ways of coping with the change and uncertainty of this specific moment:
Accept the situation as being incomplete. It is part of nature that every other living creature on the planet contends with in every moment. There are never guarantees of how things will turn out, regardless of how much planning, thinking and “perfection” we fantasize we have achieved.
Adapt and consider the broad potential outcomes and how you will react. For instance, if you are worrying when your company will be heading back into the office. Consider the options are limited to a) they will be, b) they won’t be or c) they will be doing half-and-half. There are myriad details, but those are the broad stroke outcomes.
Avoid “should”ing yourself. Often we play out the movie in our minds of what we imagine will happen and when things do not work out this way we blame ourselves. This level of expectation is a set up for letdown.
Help someone else. You have heard it said before. Helping other people even just by loving kindness meditations wishing others well, opens your awareness and allows you to experience gratitude by altering your focus away from your own ego and to the service of another.
If you are feeling lonely, bored, isolated, stressed, anxious, or uncertain, understand that it is okay to feel that way. It is okay to feel it in your body. That is how your thoughts and emotions often express themselves physically. Give them the space they need to be there without falling into a negative habit or merely distracting yourself with the busyness of life.
This is how you Stay FIERCE and where you can move towards love and away from fear during this uncertain time.
What does it mean to give room to and be with your emotions? I created this graphic to detail how to Be With Your Emotions:
The idea that anything at all is certain is in itself a distraction. Because nothing is ever certain. When we allow ourselves to believe that, and get lulled into a false sense of security with being able to predict and plan. We are playing a movie in our heads that is very temporary. Of course, we all have to make plans, but we just need to keep in mind that we are not in control. Anything can change at any time. Just think of what you assumed you would be doing this summer and what is now happening globally.
We grab at pleasure with eating, drinking, drugging, shopping, sex, gambling and busying our lives so that we don’t get a chance to sit with our thoughts and emotions. Being “satisfied” is an illusion. The only thing that is certain is that everything is uncertain. We get to deceive ourselves into thinking things are predictable, ordered and consistent. But they never are.
Being certain is an end. It is a form of death. Being uncertain is what life truly is. Embracing it, is the why to fully live.
This work can be difficult and takes time to process and put into everyday life. If you are struggling in any way in dealing with the pandemic and want to avoid adding more stress to your life by engaging in addictive behaviors, please reach out. Remember, all of my consultations are free and can be done virtually on Zoom or over the phone.
This can be a FIERCE opportunity for you to take some time and do inner work. I will continue to be here for you to support all of your during this especially uncertain time.
Please share this post with anyone you think may benefit. I would love to hear your comments.
