Lightening the Grip of Distractions
This is the second in a series of articles on the topic of Uncertainty.
I think it is safe to say that almost everyone on the planet is facing uncharted territory. If you would have told any one of us last year that we would be living on a day to day basis with this level of restrictions, fear and inability to plan for the near or distant future, most of would have never believed it.
Prior to this time it was easy to happily lose ourselves in the daily distractions…good ones and not so good ones.
Not so good distractions show up as any of the following (just to mention a few):
Over-eating
Gossiping
Over-drinking/drugs
Gambling
Over-shopping
Anger
Anxiety
Binging Netflix
In short; vices. Vices represent our attempt to hold on to a fixed moment of pleasure. To grasp it. Make it continue for as long as possible. This is how so many people get addicted to bad habits. My daughter will often ask me, “If sugar is so bad for me, why do I want it so much?” The quick fix that happens in the brain doesn’t rationalize. It just wants what it wants. But we can use our thoughts to become aware and train ourselves to come back to now.
You know the feeling of being in one frame of mind but being jolted into another by external information? Or remembering something? It is as if you are switching TV channels. You could be having a lovely relaxing time at home and then the phone rings. Someone says something that upsets you and now your day is ruined. What happened? You are still the same person in the same place. But now you have a thought in your head that has completely changed your view of yourself, the day, etc.
When our buttons get pushed or we are challenged by external factors like, people we find difficult, uncontrollable experiences our sense of ourselves is threatened. We want to grasp or hold on to how we see ourselves or a good feeling. Distractions serve this purpose.
This ubiquitous feeling of needing to be distracted in any way to avoid thinking about things we don’t want to think about has no end. It is like trying to hold your breath. When you try to hold your breath you suffocate yourself. When you try to hold a feeling, you suffocate yourself. You can run but you cannot hide. Eventually your fix isn’t going to be enough. We crave more and more to feel anything.
Many of the ways we distracted ourselves pre-COVID-19 were with things that were pleasurable. Or, at least, not considered negative habits. Busyness for instance. I can attest to the fact that before being in lockdown in New York City, I had days that often went like this: overlapped appointments with clients, going to museums, events, tasks, chores, socializing, planning, traveling, shopping. I did not recognize this behavior as negative. I was a busy woman running my own business. But when the sudden end of all of this activity hit in one fell swoop, I suddenly saw what I was doing as another form of buffering, or avoiding or being distracted.
In pre-COVID days, distractions and motivations were external. Whether it is from friends, family, co-workers, superiors and indeed, often ourselves. These motivations can take the form of seeking approval, anticipating judgment, hoping for acceptance from our tribe, fear of feeling or causing someone to feel disappointment, the desire to be charitable. These distractions manifest themselves as the clothes we wear, the decision we make about how to spend money and leisure time, the things we say and the actions we take.
Taiwan is taking this to an interesting level. Because citizens are starved for international travel, they are offering people Fake Flights. They don’t go anywhere. They just have you show up to the airport at a specific time as if you were really getting on a flight. You go through security, customs, check your luggage, board the plane by a specific time, get into your assigned seat…and then…that is it. You get off the plane, get your luggage and go back home.
We hold onto the idea of who we are. Thinking of ourselves as having fixed qualities. We tend to “like” the people who allow us to hold our fixed self identities. We don’t like people who challenge this fix sense of self. So in truth we should thank these difficult people because they are calling us out on our illusion. They are triggering us because they are forcing us to see other ways of perceiving ourselves that we do not like. Think of triggers as gurus and learning opportunities.
When you observe something how you see it is a reflection of part of you. Whether it is something you like and gravitate towards or whether it is something you do not like and want to get away from. But whether it is internal or external it is separate from you. We see it as “other”. “We cannot lose what we don’t cling to” - Buddha.
If we can let go of the fixed sense of self. Stop grasping as tightly to the fixed identity, it would open up the world to us. The illusion is the holding on, the grasping. When the mask is pulled off we are vulnerable and do not feel comfortable with it. So we run to places that feel comfortable in distractions.
Good distractions show up as any of the following (just to name a few):
Busyness
Shopping
Traveling
Planning
Socializing
Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting we do nothing but contemplate our inner lives. Far from it. But we need to monitor our behavior and notice when we are getting distracted for the sake of getting distracted. Sound familiar?
“Activity suggests a life filled with purpose.
Could it be running away from memories?
Or perhaps just searching for a reason to stay. ”
When I suggest that people meditate so that they can bring the quality of meditation into their everyday lives, this is what I mean. This is how meditation opens up awareness. Many people think that they need to get good at meditating so they can be better people. But that just make meditation another way to compete with ourselves and each other. We meditate to be able to notice that we are becoming distracted and catch ourselves. The more we practice that, the less likely we are to fall victim to our own clinging.
If you are training for a marathon, but have never run more than 5 miles, do you consider yourself a failure because you cannot do it immediately? This is silly, of course. You understand that one has to work at it and practice regularly to strengthen your muscles, endurance and stamina. Meditation is the same. You have to practice on the cushion, so you can have the strength, endurance and stamina off the cushion.
When a personal relationship falters. The ending of a previously close relationship throws us right into uncertainty. That hurts. We meet our edge. We find ourselves in behaviors we thought we had outgrown years ago. Irreconcilable relationships teach us the most. Once we are willing to be vulnerable.
Blame is a distraction from the fact that we are choosing to see a situation through a habit or lens we are comfortable or familiar with. Ego is fixed and hates change. Ego hates reality that conflicts with the identity it has constructed.
5 Grasping Distractions
CLUTTER - mental clutter is as big a distraction as physical clutter. Differentiate between what you WANT and what you NEED. For instance, I can easily find myself going down a rabbit hole of understanding different technologies I can use for my website, but don’t NEED to do them at the point in time I am allowing myself to get sucked it because I feel an irrational WANT or knee jerk reaction.
NEGATIVITY AND POISON - Don’t allow other to pull you into their misery. Those who dump criticism, resentment and judgement onto you don’t deserve to be part of your world. When your “best” friend calls you to complain about politics and you are trying to limit your exposure. You may need to limit your exposure to your friend at this time as well.
GRUDGES - You don’t NEED them. They poison our hearts. Peace of mind cannot exist in a heart full of anger and resentment. I remember my Grandmother going over and over arguments she had had with her father 50 years earlier. Playing out past/future movies in your head are magnetically distracting.
GRASPING FOR EXTERNAL HAPPINESS - Happiness is in your hands only. Don’t give others the power over your happiness. Make yourself a priority. I remember many times of shopping on ebay obsessively for items. Bidding on them and “winning” after days. Once the items arrived it brought I temporary feeling of pleasure. But I was quickly on ebay again looking to bid on something else.
WORRY - Worry is a figment of your imagination. It is one of the biggest distractions of all. It is a false alarm and zaps the energy out of you. During this uncertain time many people are playing out what could happen as a result of the virus. But none of those things are happening now. Especially now, we need to focus on what is in front of us and what we do and do not have control over.
What is your biggest distraction? And what helps you switch your attitude from negative to positive. I would love to hear from you in the comments below with your thoughts and insights.
If you are curious to dig deeper into your own uses of distractions, and realize some FIERCE change, please reach out for a free one hour consultation.
