Who Am I? Time Will Tell.
One of the top reasons many of my clients hire me has to do with challenges in their identity. In this day and age, we are defined by our labels; not just by others, but by ourselves. The level of judgment and which bucket to place ourselves in is overwhelming.The forces which complicate Who We Are are both internal and external.Some external reasons include:
Retirement
Loss of a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, pet
Birth of a child. grandchild, great-grand-child
Moving
Graduating
Starting a business
Some internal reasons include:
Emotions
Thoughts
Pain
There are also reasons that touch both externally and internally: such as gender, class, race, politics, religion. But the one I will focus on today: Time or Aging.Like race, class and gender — age is unique because it is in a constant state of change, yet seems to be deeply connected to how we think of who we are. We describe ourselves as a “22-year-old” college graduate, a “middle-aged” parent, a “76-year-old” cancer survivor, a “young” woman, an “old” man. Our age acts as a qualifying label we put in front of descriptions of ourselves and of others.Part of the human condition means constructing an identity for ourselves, but are we allowing our age to define us too much?Social psychologists say that the construction of identity is deeply grounded in the social context, meaning our sense of who we are is something we work out for how we think others think of us. That doesn’t mean we simply take on and agree with the sense of identity that others place on us. We subconsciously take these thoughts into account when creating an image of who we are.There is a conflict between how we see ourselves and how others see us, and together these two control who we are. For example, people will treat us differently based on our age. There are preconceived notions that inexperience and a sense of entitlement belong with being young, and preconceived notions of deterioration and weakness with older age. These ageist notions become especially problematic when we internalize them and allow them to determine who we are to ourselves.Aging is much more complex than the perceptions of decline we give it. Because of the way our brain ages, there is little age-related decline in some brain functions, such as vocabulary, numerical skills and general knowledge. But other brain capabilities, such as facets of memory, cognition speed and multitasking, can begin to see a decline. There are realities of physical, mental and emotional changes that come with aging, but it’s a deeply complex process of growth that differs for each person.Social psychoanalyst Carl Jung wrote, “the afternoon of life is just as full of meaning as the morning; only, its meaning and purpose are different.”The number of years we’ve been alive does not dictate our value or how we view who we are and who others are. You can own your FIERCE age without letting it own you.Our bodies are our homes, but they are not all that we are. We are so much more than what time in life brings us. More than our age, or our ailments and physical limitations. Our FIERCE power comes in the way we choose to react to these effects, and how we choose to treat one another. Because so much of our sense of who we are is being determined by our connections with others in life, the way we change how we think of who we are has to involve changing the way we treat others.Let’s do away with full, lazy stereotypes — for example, of smug, entitled millennials addicted to their phones with no regard for others, and angry, technologically challenged seniors with mental decline. By indulging these labels we are creating a culture where generations will never be able to understand each other.I like to play a game with myself on the subway. I look at people an imagine what they looked like when they were babies. Then I think, they are the same people. Would I judge a baby the same way I am judging the person I am looking at in front of me?Let’s celebrate ourselves and others for the lives we build, the things we create, our FIERCE talents, the kindness and empathy we show one another, and our willingness to always try to be better versions of ourselves, at any age.STAY FIERCE